Whatever, Jerk Read online

  Whatever,

  Jerk

  Nikki Paris

  Copyright © 2020 Nikki Paris

  All rights reserved.

  For my stuttering buddy – You inspire me daily, and you are perfect the way you are.

  1

  Dani

  I, Danica Lynn Jepson— the stuttering child star of “My Sweet Step-Monster,” America’s inspiration, America’s goddamn darling— was now a washed up failure.

  The royalty checks were drying up, and I hadn’t landed a serious job in thirteen years. America’s darling was now broke on her ass.

  I wandered through the beautiful three-bedroom apartment I’d been renting for the last five years. The vaulted ceilings and wall to wall windows belonged in a magazine, and the gorgeous quartz countertops and stainless steel appliances in my kitchen would make a chef drool. Don’t even get me started on the bathrooms.

  My thoughts drifted to the lavish housewarming party I threw for myself when I moved in. Back then, there were still plenty of people that believed I’d get back on my feet. Or maybe there were just enough leeches that were happy to help an attention-whore nineteen-year-old spend all her money.

  The friends and fans were all gone now, and the question remained, who was more pathetic, me, or them?

  I finished boxing up my dishes and slapped some packing tape across the top of the cardboard box. I moved to my bedroom next and collapsed onto my fourposter king-sized bed, letting out a dramatic groan. This monstrosity of a bed was absolutely not going to fit in my new apartment. I ran my hands across my white satin sheets and wondered how much I could get for the bed if I sold it. What were a has-been’s possessions worth these days?

  My phone rang in my back pocket, and I let out another groan before answering. “Hi, mom.”

  “Hi, Dani! Are you all packed up? Should I send Tanner over with the truck?”

  I glanced around my room. I wasn’t even close, but Tanner could help me finish packing. What were little brothers for? “Sure,” I said.

  “Okay, sweetie, he’s on his way! Dad and I will come and help you unload later tonight when he gets off work.”

  “Thanks, mom.”

  When I realized that I could no longer afford my posh downtown apartment, my parents had graciously offered to let me move back home. In true “celebrity” fashion, I’d turned up my nose and refused their help. I’d said, “Mom, my pride’s bent, not broken! I’m twenty-four goddamn years old! I can take care of myself.” Then I hung up the phone. I’d always nursed a flair for the dramatic. It was a miracle my parents hadn’t given me up for adoption.

  But they stuck by me, always. They patiently listened to me stutter through all of my long stories as a kid, and good god, I had so many stories to tell! It sucked hard to be an extroverted stutterer. I liked talking, even when assholes made fun of me.

  My parents did their best to shield me from the teasing and boost my fragile confidence. They paid for years of private speech therapy sessions and smacked the back of Tanner’s head every time he said, “D-D-Danica is s-s-s-stupid!”

  My parents signed me up for drama classes when I was seven because my speech therapist suggested it. So I mean, really, between the drama classes and inflated ego, they created the monster. Then, when I was ten years old, I landed the role of Breanna St. Adams in a prime time sitcom about a blended family. I worked my little ass off to keep my stutter at bay, and the producers were straight-up inspired by me.

  I inspired myself quite honestly. I was a fantastic brat.

  The show was canceled after only two seasons because my TV dad had bigger fish to fry. But everyone said, “Don’t worry, Dani! You’re going to get more roles! Your career is made!”

  Yup and that “career” became a handful of toothpaste commercials and radio ads. The longer I went without landing a role, the higher my stress level soared, and all of my hard work in speech therapy unraveled before my eyes.

  It turns out the world is less impressed with a stuttering teenager/young adult that still stutters. Apparently, it’s only inspiring when you tell the story of your uphill climb, but don’t let anyone see you struggle. People don’t want to see that shit.

  I was pulled out of my pity party by a loud knock at my door. I dragged myself through my apartment and yanked open the front door to let Tanner inside.

  “Uh… Dani?” He raised both eyebrows at me and leaned against the doorframe.

  “‘Sup Tanner?” I walked back into my kitchen without waiting for him to reply.

  “Dani! You didn’t fucking pack anything!”

  I walked back toward the front door, carrying the only box I’d packed — my dishes— and placed it in Tanner’s arms. “I’ll g-g-get around to it!” Damn-it. Easy on the G’s, Dani. I mostly had a handle on my stutter, but it slipped out sometimes when I was stressed or anxious. Was moving into a shitty little one-bedroom apartment across town stressing me out? Nooooo. Don’t be ridiculous.

  “Dani!” Tanner groaned. “I have shit to do!”

  “Mila will wait for you, buddy!” I grinned at him and grabbed another empty box. Tanner rolled his eyes and headed back to the truck. Mila was Tanner’s beautiful, flawless, incredible girlfriend. Our parents adored her and were already secretly planning the wedding.

  Something about her always bothered me, though. I got the vibe that she thought she was better than me, but maybe it was all in my head. Mila was getting a Communications degree and took herself and her public speaking aspirations far too seriously. I didn’t love Mila, but hate was a strong word, right?

  Damn. Was I turning into a bitter old spinster? Could you be a spinster at only twenty-four? It seemed possible to me. My dating offers dried up with my acting career. Or maybe I just wasn’t confident that a guy could see past my speech impediment if I had a bad day.

  Tanner was already back from taking my box to the truck. He walked into my kitchen and clapped his hands in my face. “Get movin’ cupcake!” I swatted at him, but he dodged my swing. Tanner grabbed an empty box and did a one-armed sweep of my bookshelf, knocking all of my picture frames and decorations into the box, unprotected by bubble wrap.

  “Tanner!” I gasped. That dumbass move had absolutely broken everything on my shelf.

  He shrugged. “Shoulda packed your shit, Dani.”

  Yeah, yeah. Really, I should have used my last $400 royalty check to pay movers. Instead, I’d bought one last pair of pretty shoes. But I mean, seriously, they were these gorgeous red sex shoes. They almost jumped into my online shopping cart on their own after a few glasses of wine.

  I walked back into my kitchen and pouted. I needed help, the professional kind.

  ◆◆◆

  It was only four hours later than we’d planned to meet at my new apartment. Why was everyone so pissed at me?

  My dad and brother brushed past me with my little gray sofa suspended between them.

  “I’ll buy you guys pizza!” I called after them.

  My dad sighed. “Danica, it’s almost midnight. I just want to get this stuff unloaded and go to bed.”

  I bit my lip. “S-sorry.”

  My mom came up beside me and placed a laundry basket filled with sheets and blankets in my arms. “The faster we go, the faster we’ll be done, sweetie.” She headed back to the car to grab the last box.

  I sighed and glanced up to see a guy standing out on his balcony with a beer in hand. He was shirtless, in just a pair of athletic shorts. I couldn’t make out his features, but I saw enough of him to know he was hot as hell. Maybe this apartment wouldn’t be terrible if I had a single hot neighbor.

  With my luck, though, he was married. Or he was probably only attractive from a distance. It looked like his eyes were on me, so I tried to balance the laund
ry basket on my hip and wave.

  I could have sworn on my mother’s life that he looked right at me and then turned to go back inside his apartment.

  Uh, okay? So maybe he was just a jerk then.

  I carried the basket up the stairs and dropped it in the middle of my tiny uninspiring living room. Fuck. This place practically smelled like failure.

  Tanner glared at me and kicked the basket out of the way. “We’re trying to arrange your damn furniture! Can you at least not drop your other shit right in the way while we’re trying to help you?”

  “Tanner…” Our dad sighed and rubbed his forehead. He turned his head to look at me and gave me a weak smile. “Is this it, hun? Can we call it a night?” His shoulders slumped, and his face was red from exertion.

  I had at least two more truckloads of stuff at my old apartment. “Uh…” I tapped my foot. “Ya know, I just have a couple more things, but we can get them tomorrow! No big deal!”

  Tanner snorted and then said, “Yep. Just a couple more things.” He elbowed me in the ribs as he walked past. “I’m not helping tomorrow, Dani. You made me miss my date tonight.”

  “Fine!” I shot back at him. “I don’t need your help! Have you seen these g-guns?” I flexed my non-existent biceps and got Tanner to crack a smile.

  “Is there a gym in this place? You need a gym in your life.” Tanner laughed and headed for my front door. “I’m not helping tomorrow!” He yelled over his shoulder before leaving.

  Was there a gym at this extremely ordinary apartment complex? My old place had a full spa.

  My dad patted me on the back and said, “Okay, sweetie, see you tomorrow.” He headed for the door, too, just as my mom dropped off another box.

  “All right, bye, guys! Thanks for your help!” I called after my family. They all gave me tired waves in response.

  I bit my lip and then closed the front door. When I turned around to look at the mess of boxes in my new apartment, I groaned out loud and covered my face with both hands. This tiny apartment was already full! And only half of my stuff was here! I was going to have to start selling things.

  How did people do that these days without getting kidnapped or raped?

  2

  Connor

  It looked like the little blonde princess across the hall was mostly moved in. Good. Now I wouldn’t have to listen to her dad and brother yell at each other in the middle of the goddamn night anymore. Two nights of that was more than enough.

  “Tanner! Lift!”

  “I am lifting, dad! Why the hell didn’t you make Danica get rid of more shit?”

  I already knew that her name was Danica, she was downsizing because she couldn’t find any decent acting jobs, and her parents’ names were Leann and Jeff. I also knew that she hated onions on pizza and wanted to get a dog because she was lonely.

  My new neighbor was a little whiny, mildly funny, and extremely dramatic. She also had an incredible ass. She would have been exactly my type five or six years ago.

  But I was a different guy now. Callie changed me, made me expect more from the world.

  My phone rang in my back pocket. I didn’t even have to look to know that it was my older sister calling to check on me. I’d already talked to my parents that morning and successfully convinced them that I was doing great. They so badly wanted that to be the truth that it was almost too easy to make them believe it.

  Amy would be a harder sell, though. She could “hear it in my voice” when I wasn’t fine. I thought about ignoring the call, but then she’d show up with tequila and m&m’s and give me sad eyes all night.

  Our mom always gave us a fun-size pack of m&m’s when we were sad, saying, “Chocolate fixes everything!” Amy and I hung onto that idea and added the tequila when we were teenagers.

  Pro tip: Chocolate and alcohol actually don’t fix real-world problems.

  I answered Amy’s call with an irritated sigh. “What?”

  “Con! How are you?” She had her “Aw-poor-baby” voice on.

  “I’m fine, Amy. “

  “What are you going to do tonight, bud?”

  Bud? I rolled my eyes. Amy was only two years older than me. “I have an exciting evening planned that involves getting shit-faced on my couch.”

  Amy sighed into the phone. “Is that a good idea? Hey! Let Devin take you out!”

  I almost laughed. “So you think it’s a better idea to get shift-faced in public with your husband?”

  “Connor, come on, let him take you out!”

  “Would you stop trying to pawn him off on me? I don’t like him any more than you do.” I leaned against the kitchen counter.

  Amy ignored my dig at her husband of almost ten years, and her voice softened. “You shouldn’t be alone tonight, Connor. I know how hard this day is for you. I know how much you miss her.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t fucking want to talk about Callie. “Fine. Tell Devin to meet me at The Poplar in an hour.” I hung up the phone and covered my face with both hands. So, I was going to spend this shitty anniversary drinking with my brother-in-law.

  I wandered down the hall to my bedroom to change, then I grabbed my wallet and keys and headed out my front door.

  Princess Dani was at the bottom of the stairs trying to drag an enormous yellow suitcase up to her apartment. She grunted and tugged and only managed to get the suitcase up one step. “Fucking piece of shit!” She screamed at it. Dani backed up a few steps and tugged again.

  Where were all of her helpers from the last two days? Had they given up on her because of her whiny, self-absorbed attitude? What a shame. If I were a nice guy, I would have offered to help the Princess carry her suitcase up the stairs. But I just leaned over the railing and watched her struggle.

  When Dani finally made it to the landing on the second floor, she turned around and spotted me. A look of relief washed over her pretty face. “Hi!” She gave me a bright smile. Was she famous? She smiled like a famous person — perfect, fake. “Would you mind—”

  I looked right at her and slid in my earbuds. She was about to ask me for help. Not fucking today, Princess. Drinking was the only acceptable activity on the shittiest day of the year. Helping out a neighbor was just not on the agenda. She’d have to fend for herself today.

  I headed down the stairs and brushed past her on the landing. She blinked in surprise, and then her mouth fell open into a perfect little “O.” I think she started cursing at me, but I couldn’t hear a word of her outrage over the Led Zeppelin I was blasting.

  Ordering a rideshare would have been the smart thing to do, but I climbed into my car. I didn’t plan on getting drunk with Devin. I’d have a drink or two at the bar with him, to get Amy off my case, and then head home. After that, I’d continue my evening as planned and find the bottom of the bottle of Silver Patron in my cupboard. Alone.

  As soon as I arrived at The Poplar, it was clear that Devin had other plans. He already had six shots lined up on the table across from him. He definitely meant for me to drink them.

  “Bro!” Devin grinned and stood when he spotted me. “Over here!” He was wearing one of his god-awful flannel shirts with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. This one was yellow, with green stripes. It looked like puke.

  “What’s up, man? Amy let you out of the house dressed like that?” I smirked at my brother-in-law and patted his shoulder.

  Devin grinned. “Amy gave up on me years ago.” He patted his chest. “She loves me for my heart, Connor.”

  I couldn’t help it. I cracked a smile. Devin was the least romantic and sentimental person I knew.

  “Okay.” Devin clapped his hands together. “Six shots. One for every month that you were married. Think about the good times in each month, then toss it back.”

  I cocked a single eyebrow. “This was Amy’s idea.” Again, Devin wasn’t sentimental.

  “Yes, sir. She’d like video confirmation that you did all six shots and that you ‘smiled because it happened.’” Dev
in shrugged and pulled out his phone. “Ready?”

  I groaned. “Fuck, Amy!”

  “I’m recording,” Devin said.

  I flipped him off and then tossed back the first shot. “I drove tonight, so that’s all I’m doing.” I folded my arms across my chest and glared at Devin’s phone.

  Devin shook his head. “Nah, I’ll bring your car back for you. Bottoms up, bro.”

  I rolled my eyes and picked up another shot glass. Amy always got her way. I finished each shot but did my best not to think about Callie.

  After that, I let Devin talk me into a few beers. Before long, my speech slurred, and Callie was the only thing I could talk about. “Dude, did you know we were going to give all our kids C names? It was going to be fucking adorable. Connor and Callie with little Carter and Cora.” I laughed and polished off my fourth beer. Shit. Someone should stop me.

  Devin was still only on his second beer. He gave me a sad smile and muttered, “Fucking adorable.”

  “Hey, how’s your little shit doing? I haven’t seen my favorite nephew in a while.”

  Devin laughed. “Marshall is good. I’m sure he’d like it if you stopped by sometime for dinner.”

  “Absolutely. Absolutely I’ll do that. Fuck, dude. You’re a dad! Is that awesome? Is that the best thing in the world?” Callie and I were going to start trying after we’d been married for a year. But we only got six months.

  Devin laughed and shook his head. “I’ve been a dad for about seven years now, Connor. Yes, it’s amazing.” He paused and took a sip of his beer. “And exhausting.” Devin watched me for a minute, then said, “Have you thought about dating yet?”

  “Don’t you fucking dare.” My vision was getting blurry, and the room felt like it was spinning. “Callie was it.”

  “Bro, I know, but you want to be a dad. You kind of need a woman for that to happen.”

  “Shut your fucking face.”

  “You are just like a big old bundle of fun, aren’t you, Connor?” Devin shook his head. “Have you had enough? You ready to head out?”