Whatever, Jerk Read online

  I glared at him. Why the hell was everyone trying to get me to move on? You don’t just “move on” when you lose the love of your goddamn life. “Yeah, I’ve fucking had enough.”

  Devin picked up my car keys off the table and sighed. “Let’s go.” I followed him out of the bar, stumbling just a little over a chair that seemed to come out of nowhere. Fucking chair.

  The drive was mostly quiet until we pulled up to my apartment complex. Then, Devin sighed and said, “Just think about dating, okay? Callie wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life.”

  How the hell did Devin know what Callie would have wanted? No one knew, and we couldn’t ask her.

  Devin pulled into a parking stall that wasn’t mine. In my head, I told him to move the car, but the words never left my mouth. I was slipping into that sleepy warm drunk feeling that I knew so well.

  “All right, man. Get some rest.” Devin climbed out of my car and then handed me my keys. “I’ll order a ride.”

  I should have offered to let him wait in my apartment. That would have been the nice thing to do, but I was pissed at the asshole for telling me to move on. “Night,” I mumbled and then headed up the stairs to my apartment.

  I opened the front door and collapsed on my couch. I stared up at the ceiling and thought about how much I hated this damn suffocating apartment. It was supposed to be temporary while I looked for another place to buy. But the days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and the months to years.

  I was supposed to move on, but here I still was.

  3

  Dani

  I was getting the damn dog, even though Tanner had rudely suggested that I make some friends instead. I had friends! Correction, I had one friend, Gia. But she was amazing enough to count for at least ten friends. Besides that, dogs were more loyal than people. Tanner was just being a punk because he was allergic to them.

  I drove to the local animal shelter and looked at every single dog a thousand times.

  “This one,” I finally said, pointing to the grumpy looking cocker spaniel mix that hadn’t even lifted its head when I walked into the kennel room. “This one is my spirit a-animal.”

  The shelter worker, a twenty-something girl with long raven-black hair, laughed. “Are you sure? Denise can be difficult.”

  “I-I-I am the queen of difficult. Or so I’ve been told.” I shrugged and then wrinkled my nose. “Denise? I can change her name, right?”

  The worker laughed and grabbed a bright pink leash from the hook on the wall. “You can sure try.” She opened the cocker spaniel’s kennel and said, “Here, girl! C’ mere, Denise!”

  Denise lifted her head, gave the worker a bored glance, then rested her head back on her paws. The worker sighed. “See?” She grabbed a treat from a bin by the door. “Denise! Treat!”

  The tiny kennel room exploded into chaos when every other dog saw the treat. Barks bounced off the walls, and high pitched whines filled the room. Denise stood, stretched, and then sauntered out of her kennel to claim the treat.

  I laughed out loud. “She only gets up for food. She really is my spirit animal!” I took the leash from the worker’s hand and brought Denise up to the front counter to officially adopt her.

  To the dog, I whispered, “Don’t worry, we’ll think of a new name on the drive.”

  Twenty minutes later, I headed out to the parking lot with my new best friend. The sky was dark, and I glanced at my watch. How long had I been in there? I laughed out loud. Two hours! My indecisiveness over which dog to choose must have been fun! The workers probably hated me. Meh. They wouldn’t be the first. I could deal with people not liking me.

  Could I, though? Could I deal with people not liking me? Should I go back in and apologize for taking so long? Ugh. No, that would be stupid.

  My dog and I arrived at my car, and I swear to god, she turned up her little nose and raised an eyebrow at me. “What?” I asked. “I had to trade in the damn Audi when I realized I was broke! But, Hondas are very reliable, miss.” I couldn’t call her Denise.

  The dog grumbled and looked away from me. Judgy bitch. I laughed a little at my own joke and unlocked the car. “In you go!” She hopped onto the back seat, circled three times, and settled down.

  I climbed into the driver’s seat and backed out of the parking lot. “Okay, f-first things first: names. So far, I’m g-getting a proper vibe from you. Y-you also act all disinterested and shit, and you’re crazy judgmental.” The perfect name struck me like a bolt of lightning. “Oh. My. God. You’re Lizzy. Get it? Like Elizabeth Bennet from P-pride and Prejudice?” Lizzy was unimpressed with my genius. “It’s perfect,” I whispered.

  Before heading home, I stopped at the pet store. Lizzy needed a bed, a nicer collar, some food and water bowls, and duh, food.

  Did I spend another two hours making purchases for my new dog? Absolutely I did. By the time I left the pet store, it was 10 pm. I might have stayed longer, but the store was closing.

  My stomach rumbled on the way home, and I realized that I hadn’t eaten since noon. “Oh, Lizzy,” I said, glancing in my rearview mirror. She was half asleep on my back seat. “I’m starving, girl. Are you going to judge me if I-I s-stop and get fast food?”

  Lizzy let out her irritated grumble, and I burst out laughing. “Deal with it, bitch!” Then I sighed. “If you’re n-nice, I’ll g-get you some chicken nuggets. You want a five-piece or a six-piece?”

  Lizzy grumbled again in response.

  “Five-piece it is, with that attitude.”

  When Lizzy and I arrived home, some asshole had parked their black Infiniti in our assigned stall. I pulled into a guest spot and climbed out of the car, shaking my head. “Lizzy,” I sighed. “Some people have no manners!” I thought about just walking away and letting it go, but I had tons of shit to carry! And who does that? Who parks in someone else’s spot?

  I tugged on Lizzy’s leash, but she didn’t move. “Y-y-you know, Lizzy? I bet it’s that super sexy j-j-j-jerk that lives across from me. This seems like a dick move that he would make.” I made a decision right then and there to go to war with my hot new neighbor. In all fairness, he started it when he watched me drag my oversized suitcase of shoes up two flights of stairs without helping.

  I gave up trying to get Lizzy out of my car and dug around in the glove box for a sheet of paper and a pen. I jotted down the most passive-aggressive note I could muster and slapped it onto his windshield. “Take that, jerk,” I muttered.

  Hi, Hello, Hey…

  Um, this is my spot! I don’t know if you knew that, or like if you’re new here and just don’t understand how assigned spots work. Anyway, if you could move your car ASAP, that would be SO great. Thanks!

  ◆◆◆

  The next morning, Lizzy pissed all over my carpet at 6 am. “G-g-g-goddamnit, Elizabeth!” I groaned. “You are a lady.” I clipped her leash to her collar and headed outside for a quick lap around my building. I didn’t bother getting dressed because who the hell would be up this early?

  Lizzy and I walked around the building three times before she finally did her business. Then, we headed back to the stairs and almost ran into my new neighbor, who I’d nicknamed Mr. Sexyasfuck Jerkface. He was on his way down, dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt, with a white lab coat slung over his arm.

  Shit. Was he a doctor or a scientist? It didn’t even matter which one it was. It was hot.

  He paused to glance at me, and his cold brown eyes settled on my braless tits. Did he like what he saw? It was hard to tell with eyes that cold. Weren’t brown eyes supposed to be warm, anyway? You know, like coffee, or caramel, or chocolate?

  I opened my mouth to say good morning, but he was already brushing past me. When he reached his car, the one parked in my spot, he paused and picked up my note.

  Well, shit! I wasn’t supposed to be fucking standing there when he saw it!

  His eyes scanned the note before flashing over to meet mine. He raised a single eyebrow and then
crumpled up the note and dropped it on the ground.

  My mouth fell open in shock as I watched him drive away. Wow! He was a special brand of asshole, wasn’t he? Fuck him!

  I stormed up the stairs and burst into my apartment. I kicked a few half-full boxes out of the way and headed for the couch. I needed to dramatically collapse onto something. Lizzy cut in front of me and made a mad dash for my sofa. She jumped up, right where I was going to sit, and did her own little version of a dramatic collapse.

  I let out an irritated tsk and stomped off to my bathroom. I needed to take a shower and go buy carpet cleaner anyway.

  4

  Connor

  A few days after the worst day of the year, I headed down to the parking lot to go to work and spotted Princess Dani standing next to her car. She had her back to me, which was probably for the best. I didn’t have any more asshole moves up my sleeve this morning, and it seemed like something she expected at this point. She’d be a whiny brat; I’d do something rude and make her jaw drop. It was our thing now.

  I was almost to my car — which I’d parked in the correct stall— when I overheard a snippet of her phone conversation.

  “I swear to g-god! He picked up m-my note off the car, looked right at me, and crumpled it u-up!” She gripped her dog’s leash with white knuckles. “YEAH!” Dani yelled into the phone. “And then, get this, I-I tried to say hi to him last night, to see if I could smooth things o-over, and he totally ignored me!”

  She did? I honestly didn’t even remember seeing her last night. Sweet. I was a jerk without even trying now.

  I unlocked my car and pulled open the door. I didn’t need to hear her whole conversation, even though it was about me. I couldn’t have cared less what the whiny brat thought of me. The next part, though, stopped me in my tracks.

  “Yeah, so Mr. Sexyasfuck is actually a jerk. That’s too bad.” She laughed out loud. “You know I would have! But I’m not g-going to sleep with someone that p-probably eats puppies for breakfast. I have standards, Gia.”

  Eats puppies for breakfast, huh? I didn’t know I seemed that evil. I rubbed my jaw and paused, watching her for a moment. She flipped her golden blonde hair over her shoulder — it was smooth and straight today— and leaned her hip against her car. Dani looked sexy in a pair of little cut-off jean shorts, a white tank top, and strappy red heels. She also looked like she knew she was hot. It irritated the hell out of me.

  I should have just gotten in my car and pretended I didn’t hear anything. But fuck, she’d just placed the perfect asshole moment in my lap. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see her shocked face and take her down a few notches.

  I walked up behind her and said, “Actually, I save puppies’ lives, but usually after breakfast. I’m a vet.” I almost let it go at that, but I threw in one final dig. “And I have a few standards of my own.”

  She froze and turned to look at me with wide eyes. “Sh-sh-shit!”

  I raised a single eyebrow at her, let my eyes flick up and down her body, and climbed into my car without another word. Princess Dani could have won an academy award with the look of drama and horror that splashed across her pretty face.

  As I drove away, a small amount of shame mixed with my pride. Callie liked my sarcastic teasing side, but she’d say, “Babe, I think sometimes people don’t know when you’re joking. Maybe you could be a little nicer?” Callie would want me to be a better neighbor.

  But then again, if Callie knew what Princess Dani’s ass made me think about, she’d want me to be an even bigger jerk. Callie would be pissed that I got hard when Dani was out walking her dog in nothing but a tank top and shorts so short they were practically underwear. I’d stared at her hard nipples pressing against the fabric of her top and wondered how it felt to tug on all that golden hair.

  The guilt crashed over me in waves. Callie was gone. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having sexual needs two fucking years later. There were times that I thought I was getting close to moving forward, but part of me must have enjoyed drowning in misery and guilt.

  When I arrived at work, I was in an even worse mood than usual. I walked into the back room without even saying good morning to Jessie, my vet assistant. I felt like a jerk, but she’d understand. Jessie was used to my moods. She was with me before Callie died, and she helped me hold my practice together right after.

  I should tell her someday how grateful I was for everything she did around here, maybe give her a huge raise. Jessie supported her husband and three kids — she could use the extra money.

  I tried to pull it together, but my mood didn’t get better throughout the day. Instead, it got infinitely shittier. First, I had to spend an entire hour trying to convince an angry housewife to vaccinate her two cats. She thought they were “hypersensitive.” They weren’t.

  After that appointment, I had to look a ten-year-old kid in the eye and tell him his dog wasn’t going to make it. The poor Husky got hit by a car trying to chase after the kid on his bike. Its internal injuries were too extensive for me to do anything but euthanize the dog. It was the most humane thing to do.

  Watching the kid sit there with his parents and sob while his dog died brought up a whole host of unpleasant memories. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and a strange buzzing sound filled my ears. It felt like the white walls in the exam room were shrinking and closing in on me.

  I had to get the fuck out of there. As soon as I administered the euthanasia shot, I rushed out the door. “Jessie,” I struggled to get the words out. “Will you go check on the family in room two after about ten minutes?”

  Jessie watched me with concern and then nodded. “Of course, Connor.”

  I pushed open the back door and sank onto the curb in the staff parking lot, forcing myself to keep breathing. Pets died. That was a sad little fact of life.

  People died, too.

  I needed to pull my shit together.

  ◆◆◆

  After work, Devin called me and got back on my ass about dating. He’d actually had to nerve to set up a blind date for me tonight. I paced back and forth in front of my fridge, trying not to yell at my sister’s husband.

  I yelled at him anyway. “Devin! Lay the fuck off of me! I’m not ready to date! Tell this girl I’m not coming!” I was fuming! Who the hell did he think he was, setting up a date for me without asking how I felt about it? Just because the asshole was married to my sister, it didn’t give him the right to insert himself into my life.

  “Serious, dude? It’s been two years! Your right hand must be getting tired by now!”

  “I use my left, too, jackass.” I popped the cap off a beer and headed for my couch. I always drank too much surrounding the anniversary. It was fucking all I wanted to do. “Cancel the damn date, Devin. I’m not going.”

  “You don’t have to marry the girl, Connor! Just go have drinks and then fuck her!” Devin let out an irritated sigh. “She’s hot, dude! Get some pussy!”

  I took a sip of my beer. “Does my sister know you’re talking about another woman’s pussy?”

  Devin groaned. “You need to get out, man!”

  “Drop it!” My voice came out sharp as a knife.

  I groaned out loud when I heard a knock at my door. “I gotta go. Someone’s at the door. Cancel the damn date.” Then I hung up the phone and headed for the front door.

  I was shocked to see Princess Dani standing in my doorway with a plate of cookies. Her tanned long legs looked even better close up. “Hi!” She bit her lip.

  Suddenly I was picturing biting that soft pink lip myself. Shit!

  “I, I, um, I made you cookies! To um, to a-apologize for this morning! I should not have said those things about you, and I’m completely mortified that you overheard them!” She balanced the plate of cookies in one hand and stuck out her other. “I’m Danica, by the way. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.”

  I glanced down at her slender fingers. Her skin looked soft. My eyes traveled down the leng
th of her legs and imagined them wrapped around me in bed.

  Shit! Devin was right. I needed a good fuck if I kept imagining this brat in my bed. My eyes flashed back up to meet hers—pretty icy blue eyes.

  “I’m allergic to nuts,” I said and slammed the door in her face.

  She yelled through the closed door. “They’re chocolate chip, ASSHOLE!” Then I heard the unmistakable sound of cookies raining against my front door.

  I felt the corner of my mouth twitching, asking me for permission to smile. I shut it down and headed back to my beer and my couch. Did I have to be a jerk to Princess Dani? No. But it was highly entertaining to see the look on her face while I gave her shit.

  Besides, if I got too friendly with my attractive new neighbor, I might find myself in bed with her, and if my mild panic attack at work today was any indication, I wasn’t ready for that.

  I wasn’t ready.

  5

  Dani

  I’d lived in my new apartment for almost two weeks, and I’d managed to sell a good portion of my useless shit. I had to admit, though, it was hard to say goodbye to my fancy tanning lamp. That one poked me in the heart a little bit.

  Mr. Sexyasfuck Jerkface asked me if I was running some kind of “massage parlor” in my apartment, what with all the people coming and going, handing me wads of cash.

  Asshole.

  I still didn’t know his name, but we were too far gone to go back to a conversation as simple as, “Hi! What’s your name?” We’d started something angry and filled with loathing. There might have been a hint of sexual tension involved, but maybe that was only on my part.

  I wished like hell I didn’t find him attractive. He was seriously a jerk.

  Damn. I needed a boyfriend. I laughed out loud at my stupid thoughts. I’d never actually let myself get close enough to a guy to call him my boyfriend. I had this deep-seated fear that if a guy heard me talking on a bad stuttering day, he’d take off.